A Fresh Start.....

Hi Friends! Join me over at my new blog "The Song My Soul Sings"......

3 Years....

On this night, 3 years ago, I was lying in a hospital bed anxiously awaiting the arrival of my first baby (which would not occur until the next day). It doesn't even seem possible that 3 years could already have passed. Back then you were this little thing that I was pretty much in awe of and I used to wonder what kind of person you would become and hope that I would be able to be a good mother. Whilst the structure of our lives doesn't necessarily look the way I thought that it might have 3 years ago, there are still things I know for sure. That I wanted you more than you will ever know (and still do). I am so blessed to have been entrusted with looking after you. That I will accept you for whoever you are and for whoever you become. That I love you with every piece of my heart and will do everything in my power to make sure you never forget that.

Have a fantastic day tomorrow filled with laughter and fun and surrounded by the people who love you most in this world. Happy Third Birthday my adorable little boy.

Noted....

My horoscope today:

You don't give yourself enough credit. You don't permit yourself enough praise. You don't allow yourself enough indulgence. You don't cut yourself enough slack. You deserve better. But how are you going to get that, unless you make room for it in your life? Why settle for second-best? Why cheat yourself out of an entitlement? Why not think big and be brave today? You are not just watching the movie of your life like a passive observer at the cinema. You are writing the story and producing the film.

Why do I only truly believe this or think about applying it to my life when someone else says it to me? Why is it that I spend the majority of my days with exactly the opposite running through my mind?

Reflections on a weekend.....

Wow, what a weekend and past week this has been. Obviously filled with heavy emotions - sadness and heartbreak - but also a tinge of happiness, joy and immense gratitude. My first reaction is to go to sadness and despair at how harsh life can be (and to be honest I am stuck in that space somewhat in regard to the impact this event will have on my beautiful friend Nancy with the loss of her husband). But it has been impossible to completely succumb to that emotion after spending yesterday celebrating the life of a beautiful man with some of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and calling my friends, or rather, family. As I looked around yesterday I just kept thinking how unbelievably lucky I am to have crossed paths with these people and to still be tightly bonded with them, even though hardly any of us still work at the workplace in which we met. The fact that I met them after a very dark and challenging time in my life is also not lost on me. I know for a fact that had I not experienced post natal depression and been set on a completely different path in life, I would never have ended up making the massive career and life change which led to me meeting these wonderful peeps. I feel in every part of me how special and important these people are because even in the midst of utter sadness or when I personally have gone through some really tough times, I never cease to feel connected to them. It is also an absolute testament to Brad and to the power of what happens when like-minded people find their 'tribe' how yesterday, which represented us saying a painful goodbye to a much loved friend, could still have been one of the most special and beautiful occasions I have ever experienced. And I feel nothing but blessed and privileged to have been a part of it.

Words for a Beautiful Man....

I've been holding back these words. Perhaps because to speak them will make them real, and I don't want this to be real. But tonight I feel as though the words need to be released and the resulting emotions, no matter how painful or heartbreaking, must come. Because I feel the need to honour you in my own words.

This week I lost a friend. B-rad, I can picture your smiling face in my head. That bright, warm smile that lit up any room into which you walked. I can still remember the first time I ever saw you - fittingly, with a camera in your hand, taking photos at a lululemon function. Our next meeting came when you interviewed me for my job at lululemon. It was actually one of the greatest interviews because it wasn't like a typical interview at all. It was one of the loveliest conversations and opportunities to connect with someone that I have had. I remember sitting opposite you, discussing photography and feeling the joy that comes from being so present in a conversation. I remember thinking that regardless of the outcome, I would just be so grateful to have shared such a wonderful conversation with you. And I was in awe of your kindness, passion and warmth. In fact, in every conversation I've ever had with you, I have felt your genuine interest and willingness to see and accept me for who I really am. Only very special people can convey that with their presence and energy, my friend. And for that I thank you.

Wherever you are, be sure to keep taking lots of photos (its your gift) and I will offer up a little prayer to you every time I go to take one myself. I will think of you often and promise you that I will always be here for your beautiful Nan, should she ever need me.

x

Rumi.....

"Let the beauty we love be what we do.

There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."

Rumi

Being Powerful....

"A self-assured woman who is in control of her life draws like a magnet. She is so full of positive energy that people want to be around her. Yet it is only when she has become powerful within herself that she can become authentic and loving to those around her."

Susan Jeffers

Exactly what I need to focus on today.....

Source: yesandyes.org via Laura on Pinterest

Outwaiting Clouds.....

Quite a lot has happened in the last few weeks. I have been at a new job for 2 weeks now, working for a freight forwarding and logistics company. Completely new for me. The first job I've ever had where I can't wear tracksuit pants to work, where I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day and where I don't work weekends. I'm slowly getting used to this though and its nice for now to be in a routine that is more stable, particularly with the little man. I'm also playing hockey again (I can't believe its been 3 and 1/2 years since I last played). Feels great to run around again and push myself, as well as having laughs with the hockey gals.

The main purpose of this post was to share some words of wisdom from Mark Nepo. In particular, I want to dedicate them to my friend Alanna, who I had the pleasure of catching up with for dinner last week. I hadn't seen her in ages and she has been through some extraordinarily difficult times since I saw her last. I hope that in some small way our time together on Thursday night helped ease her burden a little and she felt my love and support. Whilst I don't know what it feels like to lose your mother, I do know what it feels like to lose someone close to you and what it feels like to go through periods in life where it seems everything has turned upside down and nothing feels 'right'. These words resonated with me and Alanna, I hope they comfort you in some way too....

Outwaiting Clouds

The bud in half bloom outwaits the clouds

Some days I wake with a cloud around my heart, and it dulls everything except the weight I carry deep inside. Yet, just because I can't make it to the light today doesn't mean that the light has vanished. In truth, the heart, like the Earth, is continually blanketed by ever-changing atmospheres that come and go between who we are and how we live our days.

So faith, it seems, can be defined as the effort to believe in light when we're covered by clouds, and though it feels like the sun will never come again, the truth is it has never stopped burning its light. In fact, its heat and warmth is burning steadily, right now, on the far side of whatever cloud we are under.

If we could only suspend our judgement when clouded in the heart. For many skepticisms are born from conclusions drawn while unable to see, as if any kind of understanding will prevent the clouds from coming or going, again and again.

But no cloud lasts forever. The Earth and all that grows from it knows this well. So does the heart and everything that grows from it, in spite of all our very understandable pains.

(Taken from "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo)

Life's wild ride....

Holy Moly - what a ride this past few months has been for me. As is the case for everyone at certain times, life throws you a curve ball and you seem to get your butt kicked. And I have sufficiently had my butt kicked, let me tell you. Its not necessarily in a bad way. Its been kicked in the way it does when you weren't anticipating certain things, happenings or feelings arising, and when they do they hit you like a steam train. The catalyst for this for me was finally stopping everything. Perhaps, somewhat naively, I thought that I would stop, create space in my life, then just happily move forward into the next phase. But if I think about everything I have been through in the last 3 or so years, its no surprise really that once I stopped, every emotion, thought or feeling that had been suppressed by the chaos of every day life bubbled to the surface. I know that this was completely necessary, so that I could work through any un-resolved issues and drop excess baggage in order to move into a better place in my life. But knowing that hasn't made it any easier. Its very humbling though to go through these phases, where everything is turned upside down and where you feel as though you are strapped into an out of control ride. All you can do is close your eyes and hold on, trusting that the end of this ride or phase will come (even though in your darkest moments you can't fathom that it ever will).

In the short term, I could have just run away from the pain or feelings (and believe me there were many times when I wanted to). But I knew that they would simply re-surface later and that no matter how hard it was, I needed to deal with what was in front of me. As Mark Nepo says in his Book of Awakening, 'It seems that whatever the door, whatever our fear - be it love or truth or even the prospect of death - we all have this choice, again and again: avoiding that part of our house or opening the door and finding out more about ourselves by waiting until what is dark becomes seeable.'

Whilst I still have a lot of work to do in clearing out the old ways of being and thinking that no longer serve me, I do at least feel like the wild ride is slowing down somewhat. Its still dark but I'm catching more and more glimmers of light and can see that what is dark will become seeable.......

Broken Open.....

I've just started reading "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser. It seems that I have dog eared every page because so much that she writes is speaking to me. I've always been a massive reader but lately I feel like I have been guided to certain books when I'm in book shops. Perhaps my angels or guides or someone is looking out for me and sending me in the direction of books that will help me through this stage of life. Here are some of my favourite snippets so far:

• And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was even more painful than the risk it took to blossom - Anais Nin. Your heart is like the flower. Let it break open. What you want is waiting for you in your own heart. The time has come.


• To be human is to be lost in the woods. None of us arrives here with clear directions on how to get from Point A to Point B without stumbling into the forest of confusion or wrongdoing. Although they are dark and dangerous, it is in the woods that we discover our strengths. We all know people who say their cancer or divorce or bankruptcy was the greatest gift of a lifetime - that until the body, or the heart or the bank was broken, they didn't know who they were, what they felt, or what they wanted. Before their descent into the darkness, they took more than they gave, or they were numb, or full of fear or blame or self pity. In their most broken moments they were brought to their knees; they were humbled; they were opened. And later, as they pulled their lives back together, they discovered a clearer sense of purpose and a new passion for life.


• We can go back to sleep in order to resist the forces of change or we can stay awake and be broken open. Both ways are difficult, but one way brings with it the gift of a lifetime. If we can stay awake when our lives are changing, secrets will be revealed to us - secrets about ourselves, about the nature of life, and about the eternal source of happiness and peace that is always available, always renewable, already within us.


• Albert Einstein warned 'No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it'. In other words, don't try to solve a problem using the same mixed up thinking that got you into the mess in the first place. You will just keep swimming around in tight little circles of indecision and fear.


• Something told me I would not find my way out of this quandary using the same old arguments, but I didn't know where to look for a new perspective. It was as if I was under water, swimming around and around in the darkness. Far above me, beyond the weight of an ocean of worries, a ray of light was pointing in a luminous, new direction, but I was to distracted to notice. I was caught in waves of conflicting questions: Would I ruin my children's lives by getting divorced? Or was it worse for them to live with unhappy parents? Was I a dreamer, looking for an elusive happiness that real life could never deliver? Or were we meant to know the rapture of being alive, even at the cost of breaking the rules?


• How was i to break out of my tight circle of fear into a new consciousness? How did Einstein do it? How did he quiet the admonishing, skeptical voices in his head - the ones barking bad directions - long enough to hear the steady whispers of the universe? How was he able to peer beyond himself and follow the light to more lucid answers?


• The soul comes to earth to learn lessons, not to get married or stay married or to take this job or that job. You have been asking the wrong question. The question is what lesson does your soul want to learn? Do you know?


• Only those who love themselves can love others, and only people who claim their own voice can hear the true song of another.


• The philosopher William James wrote that there are two kinds of people in this world - the Once Born and Twice Born. Once born people do not stray from the familiar territory of who they think they are and what they think is expected of them. If fate pushes them to the edge of Dante's famous dark woods - where the straight way is lost - they turn back. They don't want to learn something new from life's darker lessons. They stay with what seems safe, and what is acceptable to their family and society. They stick to what they already know but don't necessarily want. Once born people may go through life and never even know what lies beyond the woods - or that there are woods at all. A Twice born person pays attention when the soul pokes its head through the clouds of a half lived life. Whether through choice or calamity, the Twice born person goes into the woods, loses the straight way, makes mistakes, suffers loss and confronts that which needs to change within himself in order to live a more genuine and radiant life.


• The journey from Once born to Twice born brings us to a crossroads where the old ways of doing things are no longer working but a better way lies somewhere at the far edge of the woods. We are afraid to step into those woods but even more afraid to turn back. To turn back is one kind of death; to go forward is another. The first kind of death ends in ashes; the second leads to rebirth.


• Twice born people trade the safety of the known for the power of the unknown. Something calls them into the woods, where the straight path vanishes, and there is no turning back, only going through. This is not easy. It is very real and very difficult. To face our shadow - the dragons and hags we have spent a lifetime running away from - is perhaps the most difficult journey we will ever take. But it is there, in the shadows, that we retrieve our hidden parts, learn our lessons, and give birth to the wise and mature self. From my personal experience and from the work I have done with men and women in my workshops, I know the difficulty of the dark journey is matched only by its rewards.

Having some faith....

I've been in hibernation for the past month really. Mind working over time and finding it hard to make sense of where I am right now. So the only thing to do has been to take a few steps back and give myself permission to just exist. Without trying to figure anything out or 'fix' anything. I'm in 'one day at a time' mode. I did want to post my horoscope for today though because it has given me some faith that if I just keep letting things 'be', they will all work out as they need to:

"Confusion about where you want to go and where you want to be is going to ease up once the weekend has been and gone. If you're still trying to work out what really matters to you in the grand scheme of things, then don't burst a brain cell. Just let events continue to unfurl and it should become more and more obvious where and when you need to change things and where things are actually quite fine as they are now. Getting answers to these questions will bring you some luscious and delicious inner peace".

Sounds great!

Still floating along...

Image by Firefox via Flickr

Yes, I have been silent for a while but I'm still here. Floating along, taking one day at a time. Until recently, I felt like I have been dragged under rapids and could not get my head above water. My whole world seemed to be a big mess of confusion and my head was, for the most part, full of anxiety, panic, overwhelm and sadness. Nothing per se has changed with my life situation. I'm still applying for jobs and not knowing where I want to go or what I want to do. But I can feel a slight shift in that I feel, for some periods of time at least, I am managing to come up for air. So you might say, I'm still in the rapids but I've got my life vest on and I can at least keep my head above water to breathe. I still have at least 20 moments every day of gut wrenching panic where my brain kicks in (or probably more my ego) and cries "Where are you? How did you get here? What are you doing? Is this it?" I have no real answers to these questions except to say "I am where I am". I know that sounds very zen like and it may appear that I have complete acceptance of where I am. Let me just say that this is not the case. I have to work every day at reminding myself of this. Of not putting more pressure on myself to figure it all out or to 'fix' this. My head would like to flick a switch right now and have everything move into place. My head feels like it can't go one more day with all these question marks, insecurities, instability, discomfort and emotional ups and downs. But my heart knows this is not the answer. The answer lies in what I discover about myself through this time. And I dare say that all this emptiness has occurred so that there is nothing to hide behind. No juggling of crazy work hours or demands of being a Mum. No spending 2 hours of my day in aggravating traffic getting to and from work etc etc.

What I have discovered so far is that despite my best intentions, my self worth and who I am, have been totally tied up in my work. Without my work and how that defines me, I have no idea who I am. Obviously our self worth is going to be defined to a certain degree by our jobs as this is what we do with the majority of our time. But there is a danger that comes when we can only define ourselves through our work or roles as a mother or partner. When we fail to put aside time to remain in touch with who we are as a person, without the other elements and distractions, we lose ourselves. Being connected to that part of you is what sustains you through all times, good and bad. Your understanding of who you are, and your love for yourself, is the one thing that I feel helps you the most in moving through life. Its the anchor point that helps you maintain stability or balance regardless of what is going on in the world around you.

I know what it is like to find your balance or anchor point. My experience with post natal depression forced me to find it. It wasn't easy to find and took me a while to get there, but eventually I did. And it truly was amazing. To have that sense of peace and of being complete and whole as a person, no matter what was happening around me, was priceless. And it was the gift that post natal depression gave me. So why am I sitting here two and half years later trying to 'find it' again, you ask? Basically, I stopped making that aspect of life a priority. I didn't mean to, and probably didn't even realise I had. But life keeps moving and situations change (God knows just about every part of my life has changed in the past 2 years). Stress, emotional upheaval, tiredness, sadness, work etc are often the things that affect our ability to stay in touch with ourselves and to be able to give ourselves what we need. But the problem is, its through these times that we need that personal anchor and stability the most. We have to make time for ourselves no matter how busy, tired, stressed or happy we are (often when things are going really well in other areas of life it can make you feel like your self love or understanding will just maintain itself, without any sustained input. Not so my friends. We need to fuel that part of ourselves just like we need daily food and water to sustain our physical needs). Also, the things that fill us up will change too but if we don't stay in touch with ourselves we may not realise until its too late. We need to be aware of how to take care of ourselves emotionally and spiritually as this is what enables us to endure the downs (without them being monumental) and enjoy the ups.

So the one thing that is clear to me right now, is that I let my tank run completely and utterly dry. And once you do that it can be very, very difficult to turn things around. I could sit here and beat myself up about letting my life get to this point again. But that will ultimately get me nowhere and waste the precious energy I do have. So instead, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and seek help to help restore or re-fill my tank and do my best to make sure I never let it get that empty again.

Switching thoughts....

Today I had a moment of deep dark fear where my mind went to a not so great place. Its doing that a lot lately but today was the first time in ages that those thoughts were about my son. I was overwhelmed by fear about not being a good mum, not being enough for him, not being able to give him certain things, making decisions that might negatively affect him etc etc. From a logical perspective I know that all of these concerns are not founded in any reality, but sometimes I find it difficult to get myself out of that head space. And all afternoon I have been thinking 'What would I tell a friend if they came to me and said they had been thinking those things?'. What I would tell them is that loving your children is the most important thing. That they will remember the time they spent with you doing simple things. Like painting at home or chasing you in the park or stories at bedtime. We can't predict what will happen in the future and all you can ask of yourself is to do the best that you can do in each moment and each day. As parents, we will never be perfect. We will get it wrong, make mistakes, have our kids be angry with us - and the list goes on. But if we spend all of our time worrying about the 'what if's', we miss the 'what is'.

And 'what is' for me today was an adorable little being who is the love of my life. Who ran up to me when I picked him up at daycare. Who let me kiss him about a thousand times. Who sat next to me watching Two and a Half Men, Glee ads (his fave) and The Biggest Loser. Who checks my heart with his pretend doctors kit. And who always makes me wonder how I could ever have been so lucky to have a part in making such a wonderful little person.

Words of Beauty.....

"Like the earth that carries us, the ground of our being moves so slowly we take it for granted. But if you should feel stalled, numb or exhausted from the trials of your life, simply slow your thoughts to the pace of cracks widening, slow your heart to the pace of the earth soaking up rain and wait for the freshness of the beginning to greet you."

"Regardless of how we may try to skip over or sidestep what we need to face, we humbly discover that no other threshold is possible until we use our courage to open the door before us. Perhaps the oldest working truth of self-discovery is that the only way out is through. That we are returned repeatedly to the same circumstance is not always a sign of avoidance, but can mean our work around a certain issue is not done".

Words by Mark Nepo from "The Book of Awakening" (via Danielle laPorte).

Some spiritual guidance.....

A number of my friends, and I, have Oracle cards (anyone interested at all in Spirituality or Spirit Guides etc will know what I'm on about. For anyone who doesn't, oracle cards allow you to give readings that can initiate healing, give you messages about your life purpose, help you release fears and emotional blocks etc). There are lots of different kinds but this morning I was at my sisters house and decided to do a reading with her cards, which are Goddess cards. My question was around my next move in life and where to go to from here. These were the cards that I pulled:

Artemis - Guardian: "You and your loved ones are safe and spiritually protected". You have a sacred mission to spread love and light yet this isn't a position that comes from tension or worry. Instead, the gentle essence of a joyful heart and light hearted laughter sets your power into motion. So, ease your mind of all cares and concerns, and concentrate instead upon your holy mission. Possible meanings from this card could be your future is safe and secure; All your needs are being met and always will be; the worst is behind you.

Ostara: It is the perfect time for you to start new projects, access new ideas, and give birth to new conditions. You can paint a sunnier outlook within yourself, which will give rise to all sorts of new opportunities, since like attracts like. Feel more energised and powerful as you spruce up your inner and outer worlds. Then capitalise on your increased vigor by starting a new project that really makes your heart sing with excitement. Possible meanings of this card could be your desire will manifest in the spring time, which is any time the light increases in your mind and entire system; your new idea or venture will be successful; its an opportune time to make life changes.

Maeve: Know that this lull won't last forever. Seek support for dealing with emotional crises. A doorway of opportunity has opened up and you need to walk through it now.

I know deep down in my heart that what these cards are telling me is true. The situation I now find myself in and which I have orchestrated is here for a reason and is a huge opportunity for me to walk down a path towards truly discovering my life's purpose. What I'm struggling with is fear. I have a completely blank canvas on which to create anything I want with my life and my ego is throwing up fears ie money concerns, self doubt etc to prevent me from moving forward. I am reverting back to ways of being which I know do not serve me and which are making me miserable (and have done so for most of my life) but when faced with this enormous fear my mind is choosing this anyway because it is familiar which in the moment of fear feels better than the unknown - in that moment anyway). My challenge is to find the strength, skills and support to feel the fear but to keep moving through the door of opportunity anyway. Even though I don't know where I'm going, what I will do or where I will end up. The barrier that is in front of me is not a lack of money or even not having a job. Its myself and, more specifically, my thoughts. Once I can shift these, the rest will fall into place.

Oh Life....

Today has been a day of hugely fluctuating emotions. From complete calm and motivation for engaging in activities that I love and working towards figuring out my life's purpose (no matter how scary or difficult) to a crying mess and bundle of fear who can't see a way out of where I am. (Stace, one day you will look back on this and praise the lord that you no longer have to suffer my tearful phone calls. Unfortunately I'm not quite sure exactly when that day is going to come). I have been following a few leads on jobs in a field that I had not considered and wasn't necessarily looking to be in, but out of fear of not having an income, I have been seeing where they led. Today the lead I had pretty much came to a halt (although they see the potential in me and really liked my enthusiasm and energy and have passed my cv on to the head of recruitment at this company). Hence afternoon melt down.....

I am definitely in a head space where I want to believe that the universe is taking me in the direction where I am meant to go. And that doors are remaining closed because they are not the ones I am meant to go through. However, my fear of not having an income is causing me to focus on the negative and to be stuck. Being fearful and overwhelmed is preventing me from having clarity, confidence in myself and the belief that I have the answers and ability to do anything I want. Believe me, I am working hard to flip my mind frame and do what I need to do to move forward positively, but its one step forward, ten steps back right now. Just when I think I've turned a corner my thoughts suddenly flip and I'm back where I started. Feeling anxious, fearful and alone.

The one thing I truly do know now is that I can't get through this period on my own. I have this thing where I think I have to come up with all the answers and not ask people for help or support. But right now, the one thing that I can recognise is that I absolutely need support. So tomorrow I will be going to see a friend of my sisters who works in oriental psychology/medicine and next week I am going to see my fave gal, Krista Jane. Until I can regain my self confidence and some momentum I need to enlist the support of people who can help. I'm looking forward to breathing a huge sigh of relief after speaking to both of these women.

Live for a time empty.....

I haven't blogged in a while because my head feels so fuzzy and mixed up that I don't know how to describe anything. I mentioned in my last post that I was sitting in 'not knowing' and struggling with that big time. Well, I can report that I am still struggling with that and not feeling any closer to knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. I spent the other week in Hawaii on a vacation by myself. It was something I felt compelled to do in order to have a true break (I haven't had more than 4 days in a row off for over 2 years). So I decided to do something I had never done before and went away on my own. I stayed at the Turtle Bay resort on the North Shore of Oahu. The resort was lovely and I did relax and rest and do nothing. But it was emotionally tough. I got lonely and felt lost and was sick of my own thoughts. Perhaps it was a combination of all the uncertainty I have brought into my life right now and the culmination of the past year's events - especially the separation from my husband and everything that comes along with that. I think the full impact of that time alone will continue to reveal itself over time. Right now I feel as though I needed to do it and go through the experiences and feelings I felt while I was there but right now I can't get beyond the uncomfortable sensations and feelings it brought up and part of me doesn't want to believe that that could be what the experience was about.

So now I'm back and my next step will be to find a new job (I finished at lululemon the day before I went on holiday). I think this is the first time I have ever been in a situation where nothing in my life is familiar and where I actually don't even feel it is my life. I fluctuate between knowing I've made the right decision in clearing out everything in my life to make room for new things and ways of being to come in, and having full on panic attacks where I can't believe I've willingly chosen to make myself sit in these feelings and experiences. (Admittedly I spend more time with my thoughts in the latter place). I'm questioning big time that this could actually be a place I am meant to be in and that this often excruciating feeling of uncertainty, loneliness and fear could really be where I am supposed to be and the true path to finding the life I truly want to live. Close friends of mine assure me that it is and that I need to just be aware that those feelings are there and trust that they will shift. I'm trying to have faith but am not too sure about it at all.......

I've been completing Christine Kane's Uplevel your life mastery program and in it she states that we need to 'live for a time empty'. This means we release the things that are no longer in alignment with who we are becoming. The release itself tells us who that is. The emptiness shows us the way. She also says that sometimes re-aligning your dreams and your soul can mean things get a little messy or even look like they are not working. Ummm, yep - I appear to be heavily entrenched in the things are looking like they are not working phase.

All I can do for now is continue to put one foot in front of the other, be kind to myself and keep having faith that I am exactly where I need to be and are supposed to be. I have taken the giant leap, am still in mid air and am trusting that the universe is going to catch me.

Not Knowing

My note from the Universe the other day could not have been more on the money when it said:

Has "you not knowing how," Bel, ever stopped me before?

Has "you not knowing the way," ever kept it hidden from me?

Has "you not knowing when," ever stopped me from figuring it out?

Ever?

Ever, ever?

Or, Bel, do I revel in such freedoms?

The Universe

You see, right now, I'm sitting in a world of 'not knowing'. 'Not knowing' to an A-type personality like myself can be the definition of torture. Once upon a time I would have driven myself crazy or tied myself in knots trying to force things to happen in order to make the 'not knowing' disappear asap. But the Bel whose intention is to re-connect with her intuition is doing her best to accept that this is where I am right now and that the answer is not to force things. Instead, i am accepting what is and having faith that the universe will lead me where I need to go. The only way I can hear the signs though is to be still and take the time to listen. So that is what I'm doing. Despite resigning from my job and not knowing what I will be doing next, I am going to take a deep breath and let what will be, be.

Terrible twos.....

Oh my word.... a certain little man has well and truly had me on an emotional roller coaster this week. It has been the week of 'the tantrum' in our house. Tantrums over having a shower (consequently his body has not been near a bar of soap in over 2 days), over not being allowed to empty a box full of rubbish all over the balcony, over having to go to daycare, over waking up in the morning, over everything really. You name it, we've had a tantrum over it. The shower thing killed me. A night or two I could deal with and just blow off but by the 3rd night I was determined to get him in the shower (after all, I'm an adult and he's a kid right?). I could not get his t-shirt off him for the life of me so my next thought was ok, I'll put you under the water with your t-shirt on if that's what I have to do to clean you. But then an image of my little man in a therapists chair saying "all my problems started the night my mother forced me in the shower with my clothes on" stopped me. My pleas of no-one will play with you at daycare if you're dirty went un-noticed (No, i didn't really think I could reason with a 2 year old in this way but once you reach a certain stage you just come out with stuff that you know makes no sense - you just try anything because you don't know what to do).

The pinnacle of frustration came one night where I was lucky enough to experience screaming and yelling accompanied by being told to do one thing and then being screamed at because I did the thing I had been told to do. It sounded something like this: "Go away mummy". I walk away from him. Increased screaming and yelling followed by "No, don't go away!" I walk towards him. "No, Go Away Mummy!!!!! After 30 minutes of this, I didn't know whether I was coming or going and was too scared to even breathe. I kept telling myself its all part of having a child and that its a phase, but that didn't change how emotionally draining it was. Particularly when it happened for a number of nights in a row. And just when I got my head around the fact that I was going to be the worst thing in the world and wouldn't be shown any love, a little red eyed, snotty nosed man said "I'm sorry Mummy" and the roller coaster ride began all over again......

Sunny Days....

Another amazing day weather wise in Sydney town. I was lucky enough to spend the morning at Manly browsing in shops, having a coffee and reading on the beach. It was a hot day but there was a beautiful breeze that just made me feel as though all my energy was being cleared out... exactly what I needed. I'm making a point of getting outdoors and today just reminded me of what an amazing effect even a couple of hours in that environment can have. I'm thinking a holiday in the sun is much needed in the next few weeks.... Following my beautiful time on the beach was a session with my wonder gal, Krista Jane who helped me get some direction in regards to my next work move and left me feeling centred and hopeful as always (once again, if you're in Sydney, GO SEE THIS GAL!!!).

Was so excited to go and pick up my little man who had spent last night and today with my Dad and Step Mum but was promptly met with 'Go away Mummy!'. Clearly I am no match for nanny and pa. Fingers crossed I become lovable again over night.....

Thank you to the universe for a wonderful day nonetheless!

The dance of life.....

Image by britamora via flickr

"The moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place"

Barbara De Angelis

The Awakening by Sonny Carroll

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it..... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out 'Enough! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on". And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantel of wet lashes you begin to look through the world from a new perspective.

........ this is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

- how you should look and how much you should weigh,
- what you should wear and where you should shop,
- where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
- who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
- who you should marry and why you should stay,
- the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect ,and that not everyone will love appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10".... Or a perfect human being for that matter... and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in "giving" that we receive, and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" and "contributing" rather than "obtaining" and "accumulating."

And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through... and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns - anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say "I was wrong" and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships, and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know - Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve, and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you FAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Looking Ahead....

WHAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR FROM 2010:

• That I had the strength to get through it - has been very tough emotionally and mentally.
• That I had the support of my Mum and Step-dad (financially and emotionally).
• That I had the support of Stace and that we have remained just as close throughout this year.
• That I had the support of my other sisters.
• That I had the support of my Dad and Step-Mum.
• That I was the best Mum I could be to Bailey and put him first.
• That I found my own place to live and I am happy there.
• That I met and was able to work with some great energy healers and psychologists who have helped me greatly.
• That Camille (my second niece) was born.
• That I have my little man in my life.
• Finding myself managing the store at Warringah Mall, which is where I needed to be this year for many reasons.
• That both sets of Grandparents in my family have a wonderful relationship with Bailey.
• That I have friends who have listened and advised me throughout the year.

WHAT I WANT IN 2011:

• To feel excited and alive.
• To be focused on me!
• To live with intention; setting goals, consistently working on them, re-evaluating them and achieving them.
• To continue to enrol the help of energy healers and professionals to work through areas of my life in which I am blocked.
• To only choose to bring people and experiences into my life that make me feel excited and alive.
• To move every day and to get outdoors each week.
• To write in my journal each night to gain clarity about my thoughts and feelings, and to express and focus on things I am grateful for.
• To be organised and intentional re the way I live my life (eg. pay bills on time, grocery shop regularly, exercise, take time out when needed).
• To travel to India in September on Krista Jane's cultural yoga and meditation retreat.
• To be clear about what I want in a future partner so that I can attract that into my life.
• To be in a place where I truly love myself so that I can truly allow someone else to love me.