Sunday, October 31, 2010

"Your Mind Is The Mountain Before You"....

I came across the quote "Your Mind Is The Mountain Before You" last night and it could not be more apt for me right now. I just read my last post and, sadly, not much has changed in regards to my state of mind since then. If anything I sank a little further and (hopefully) hit the bottom so that I can now come back up. What I'm coming to terms with is just how hard that is proving to be. When I went through post natal depression after I had Bailey, it was the most horrendous struggle to get out of it. And I think that because my life changed so much for the better and I learnt so much from it about myself, that I mistakenly believed that I would never get close to that again, or that I would somehow have the answer the next time one of life's challenges came my way. What floored me this week was the realisation that I don't have the answers in the slightest; that there is no guarantee that I won't go down that road again and that I am once again being tested as to how strong I actually am. Whilst I am definitely not in the pit of depression I was in 2 years ago, I can definitely see signs and symptoms of it in myself and that has been enough to scare the hell out of me. So this week I have been forced to acknowledge my struggle and reach out to those around me in order to get back on top of everything. I'm going to take a little time out to be kind to myself and give myself some space. Funnily enough, I had thought I was doing this all along but clearly I haven't been because I feel completely and utterly worn out and exhausted.

The other funny thing about reading my last post is that I referred to a guy on X Factor, Altiyan, who had really floored me with his singing. Oddly enough this week, I was standing on the side of the road and who should walk up beside me but him. What a small world.....

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Black Days....

To be completely honest, I feel as though I have dragged myself through every inch of this weekend. Every ounce of my being seems to be screaming out "I've had enough, this is all too hard and I just can't do it anymore". Everything is a struggle, I feel weighed down and I can't seem to conjure up a feeling of joy in regards to anything. I do ultimately know that this will pass, because it does, but for some split moments this weekend I have really been questioning whether it will.
I didn't decide to write this post to depress myself (or anyone else) even further, but instead I wanted to share a piece of inspiration that just came to me. A tiny sliver, but nonetheless its something - and a sliver is sometimes all you need to get back on track. I was just watching X Factor, which Bailey and I watch every Sunday night. Some of the acts were good but the absolutely outstanding act was the final one. He is a guy who really has, up until now, seemed like the token odd ball of the competition that no-one was really sure of. But last week and this week it has been as if he found himself and his performances have been phenomenal. As I watched him I could feel a smile spread across my face and a lightness fill my heart that has been missing over the past few days. To be transported by someone who has so clearly discovered their gift and who is expressing so brilliantly the thing that appears to complete them is a very special thing to watch. And what it reminded me to do when I am in dark days is to seek out all of these people who exist in the world who inspire me, who live their passion, who love what they do and who have discovered what their gift to the world is - and use their strength and passion as my inspiration to hang in there and keep going, so that I can continue on my path to discovering my gift and get to live those moments where I am being the light and inspiration for someone else.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Old friends in new places....

Today I was working in my store when a strangely familiar face walk towards me. After a split second I realised that it was one of my all time favourite students who I had taught when she was in high school. We haven't seen each other in over 5 years (scary how fast time goes). It turns out she works casually in the same mall as me. What was so great was how easily we reconnected and it reminded me of what I had loved so much about teaching; the connections and relationships I formed with these people who I spent more time with than my own family (and who spent more time with me than their own). This week I have struggled with the lack of familiarity in my life. Everywhere I turn nothing seems familiar and it has left me feeling sad, lonely and lost. But for 10 minutes today I was able to slip back into a time that was so familiar to me and that I will always feel so lucky to have had. The universe must have known that that was exactly what I needed today.....

Monday, October 4, 2010

Even silence has an end.....

I'm currently reading the book "Even Silence Has An End" by Ingrid Betancourt. Ingrid was born in Columbia in 1961, educated in France and England and returned to Colombia in 1989 to become involved in national politics. She formed her own political party, Oxigeno Verde (Green Oxygen), and became a senator in 1998. She was a Colombian Presidential candidate when she was kidnapped by the FARC, who held her captive from 2002 to 2008. This book is is a reflection on Betancourt's time in captivity and on what it means to be human.

As I go through my own personal struggles right now, this book is a great reminder to me of the courage that we have and of just what the mind and heart can conquer and overcome (even when we think we have reached our limit). One particular quote so far has stood out for me. Betancourt says "When you're chained by the neck to a tree and deprived of everything... Well, it took me several years to realise, but you still have the most important freedom of all: that is, the freedom to choose what kind of person you want to be." I've been thinking a lot about this idea of choosing what kind of person you want to be. So many elements of my life are changing right now. Things are overwhelming, scary, sad, difficult and uncertain. I know that this is all part of the process to be gone through and I am trying to accept that I have to just 'be with' it all. I know that trying to fight it will not only drain me of any physical and emotional energy I do have, but will also deprive me of learning what I need to learn the most. Seems really easy to say here but its a daily struggle - every ounce of my being just wants to run and escape it all and get through it as quickly as I can. I do know that this is impossible and not the way it works. So I have to consciously choose each day to keep moving forward and facing whatever comes my way in the best way I can. I have my good and bad days (lately seems like more bad than good), but ultimately I do have faith that I will come out the other side. And no matter how difficult it seems and how hard it is, I know that the only person who can choose who I am going to be each minute, day and hour is me. So even in the face of feeling as though I don't even know who 'me' is, I will continue to make this choice over and over and over again.

Stealing Beauty....


These ads for G star raw have been around for a while but lately I keep seeing them everywhere. Each time I go past one I cannot help but reflect on how beautiful Liv Tyler is.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Falling in love....

Yesterday I spent a wonderful day shopping and hanging out with my sister, Stace. Now that we both have children (and that she recently had her second), the days of hanging out alone are few and far between. So this was a rare treat. Among some of my retail therapy purchases was bath and shower gel from the brand philosophy. The reason why I chose this particular bubble bath was because it is called "falling in love". At first I thought 'Ah, no thanks not exactly in that place right now', but as I looked closer I realised it was exactly what I needed. The quote on the bottle read:

philosophy: falling in love doesn't begin with falling in love with others. it begins with falling in love with ourselves. loving ourselves is healthy and as God intended. learn to deeply and fully cherish your heart, your soul and your body and only then will you understand what it is to truly love another.

I think everyone needs to "falling in love" bubble bath, don't you?