Thursday, March 3, 2011

Oh Life....

Today has been a day of hugely fluctuating emotions. From complete calm and motivation for engaging in activities that I love and working towards figuring out my life's purpose (no matter how scary or difficult) to a crying mess and bundle of fear who can't see a way out of where I am. (Stace, one day you will look back on this and praise the lord that you no longer have to suffer my tearful phone calls. Unfortunately I'm not quite sure exactly when that day is going to come). I have been following a few leads on jobs in a field that I had not considered and wasn't necessarily looking to be in, but out of fear of not having an income, I have been seeing where they led. Today the lead I had pretty much came to a halt (although they see the potential in me and really liked my enthusiasm and energy and have passed my cv on to the head of recruitment at this company). Hence afternoon melt down.....

I am definitely in a head space where I want to believe that the universe is taking me in the direction where I am meant to go. And that doors are remaining closed because they are not the ones I am meant to go through. However, my fear of not having an income is causing me to focus on the negative and to be stuck. Being fearful and overwhelmed is preventing me from having clarity, confidence in myself and the belief that I have the answers and ability to do anything I want. Believe me, I am working hard to flip my mind frame and do what I need to do to move forward positively, but its one step forward, ten steps back right now. Just when I think I've turned a corner my thoughts suddenly flip and I'm back where I started. Feeling anxious, fearful and alone.

The one thing I truly do know now is that I can't get through this period on my own. I have this thing where I think I have to come up with all the answers and not ask people for help or support. But right now, the one thing that I can recognise is that I absolutely need support. So tomorrow I will be going to see a friend of my sisters who works in oriental psychology/medicine and next week I am going to see my fave gal, Krista Jane. Until I can regain my self confidence and some momentum I need to enlist the support of people who can help. I'm looking forward to breathing a huge sigh of relief after speaking to both of these women.

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