Thursday, February 24, 2011

Live for a time empty.....

I haven't blogged in a while because my head feels so fuzzy and mixed up that I don't know how to describe anything. I mentioned in my last post that I was sitting in 'not knowing' and struggling with that big time. Well, I can report that I am still struggling with that and not feeling any closer to knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. I spent the other week in Hawaii on a vacation by myself. It was something I felt compelled to do in order to have a true break (I haven't had more than 4 days in a row off for over 2 years). So I decided to do something I had never done before and went away on my own. I stayed at the Turtle Bay resort on the North Shore of Oahu. The resort was lovely and I did relax and rest and do nothing. But it was emotionally tough. I got lonely and felt lost and was sick of my own thoughts. Perhaps it was a combination of all the uncertainty I have brought into my life right now and the culmination of the past year's events - especially the separation from my husband and everything that comes along with that. I think the full impact of that time alone will continue to reveal itself over time. Right now I feel as though I needed to do it and go through the experiences and feelings I felt while I was there but right now I can't get beyond the uncomfortable sensations and feelings it brought up and part of me doesn't want to believe that that could be what the experience was about.
So now I'm back and my next step will be to find a new job (I finished at lululemon the day before I went on holiday). I think this is the first time I have ever been in a situation where nothing in my life is familiar and where I actually don't even feel it is my life. I fluctuate between knowing I've made the right decision in clearing out everything in my life to make room for new things and ways of being to come in, and having full on panic attacks where I can't believe I've willingly chosen to make myself sit in these feelings and experiences. (Admittedly I spend more time with my thoughts in the latter place). I'm questioning big time that this could actually be a place I am meant to be in and that this often excruciating feeling of uncertainty, loneliness and fear could really be where I am supposed to be and the true path to finding the life I truly want to live. Close friends of mine assure me that it is and that I need to just be aware that those feelings are there and trust that they will shift. I'm trying to have faith but am not too sure about it at all.......
I've been completing Christine Kane's Uplevel your life mastery program and in it she states that we need to 'live for a time empty'. This means we release the things that are no longer in alignment with who we are becoming. The release itself tells us who that is. The emptiness shows us the way. She also says that sometimes re-aligning your dreams and your soul can mean things get a little messy or even look like they are not working. Ummm, yep - I appear to be heavily entrenched in the things are looking like they are not working phase.
All I can do for now is continue to put one foot in front of the other, be kind to myself and keep having faith that I am exactly where I need to be and are supposed to be. I have taken the giant leap, am still in mid air and am trusting that the universe is going to catch me.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Not Knowing

My note from the Universe the other day could not have been more on the money when it said:

Has "you not knowing how," Bel, ever stopped me before?

Has "you not knowing the way," ever kept it hidden from me?

Has "you not knowing when," ever stopped me from figuring it out?


Ever, ever?

Or, Bel, do I revel in such freedoms?

The Universe

You see, right now, I'm sitting in a world of 'not knowing'. 'Not knowing' to an A-type personality like myself can be the definition of torture. Once upon a time I would have driven myself crazy or tied myself in knots trying to force things to happen in order to make the 'not knowing' disappear asap. But the Bel whose intention is to re-connect with her intuition is doing her best to accept that this is where I am right now and that the answer is not to force things. Instead, i am accepting what is and having faith that the universe will lead me where I need to go. The only way I can hear the signs though is to be still and take the time to listen. So that is what I'm doing. Despite resigning from my job and not knowing what I will be doing next, I am going to take a deep breath and let what will be, be.