Still floating along...

Image by Firefox via Flickr

Yes, I have been silent for a while but I'm still here. Floating along, taking one day at a time. Until recently, I felt like I have been dragged under rapids and could not get my head above water. My whole world seemed to be a big mess of confusion and my head was, for the most part, full of anxiety, panic, overwhelm and sadness. Nothing per se has changed with my life situation. I'm still applying for jobs and not knowing where I want to go or what I want to do. But I can feel a slight shift in that I feel, for some periods of time at least, I am managing to come up for air. So you might say, I'm still in the rapids but I've got my life vest on and I can at least keep my head above water to breathe. I still have at least 20 moments every day of gut wrenching panic where my brain kicks in (or probably more my ego) and cries "Where are you? How did you get here? What are you doing? Is this it?" I have no real answers to these questions except to say "I am where I am". I know that sounds very zen like and it may appear that I have complete acceptance of where I am. Let me just say that this is not the case. I have to work every day at reminding myself of this. Of not putting more pressure on myself to figure it all out or to 'fix' this. My head would like to flick a switch right now and have everything move into place. My head feels like it can't go one more day with all these question marks, insecurities, instability, discomfort and emotional ups and downs. But my heart knows this is not the answer. The answer lies in what I discover about myself through this time. And I dare say that all this emptiness has occurred so that there is nothing to hide behind. No juggling of crazy work hours or demands of being a Mum. No spending 2 hours of my day in aggravating traffic getting to and from work etc etc.

What I have discovered so far is that despite my best intentions, my self worth and who I am, have been totally tied up in my work. Without my work and how that defines me, I have no idea who I am. Obviously our self worth is going to be defined to a certain degree by our jobs as this is what we do with the majority of our time. But there is a danger that comes when we can only define ourselves through our work or roles as a mother or partner. When we fail to put aside time to remain in touch with who we are as a person, without the other elements and distractions, we lose ourselves. Being connected to that part of you is what sustains you through all times, good and bad. Your understanding of who you are, and your love for yourself, is the one thing that I feel helps you the most in moving through life. Its the anchor point that helps you maintain stability or balance regardless of what is going on in the world around you.

I know what it is like to find your balance or anchor point. My experience with post natal depression forced me to find it. It wasn't easy to find and took me a while to get there, but eventually I did. And it truly was amazing. To have that sense of peace and of being complete and whole as a person, no matter what was happening around me, was priceless. And it was the gift that post natal depression gave me. So why am I sitting here two and half years later trying to 'find it' again, you ask? Basically, I stopped making that aspect of life a priority. I didn't mean to, and probably didn't even realise I had. But life keeps moving and situations change (God knows just about every part of my life has changed in the past 2 years). Stress, emotional upheaval, tiredness, sadness, work etc are often the things that affect our ability to stay in touch with ourselves and to be able to give ourselves what we need. But the problem is, its through these times that we need that personal anchor and stability the most. We have to make time for ourselves no matter how busy, tired, stressed or happy we are (often when things are going really well in other areas of life it can make you feel like your self love or understanding will just maintain itself, without any sustained input. Not so my friends. We need to fuel that part of ourselves just like we need daily food and water to sustain our physical needs). Also, the things that fill us up will change too but if we don't stay in touch with ourselves we may not realise until its too late. We need to be aware of how to take care of ourselves emotionally and spiritually as this is what enables us to endure the downs (without them being monumental) and enjoy the ups.

So the one thing that is clear to me right now, is that I let my tank run completely and utterly dry. And once you do that it can be very, very difficult to turn things around. I could sit here and beat myself up about letting my life get to this point again. But that will ultimately get me nowhere and waste the precious energy I do have. So instead, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and seek help to help restore or re-fill my tank and do my best to make sure I never let it get that empty again.