Thursday, February 24, 2011

Live for a time empty.....

I haven't blogged in a while because my head feels so fuzzy and mixed up that I don't know how to describe anything. I mentioned in my last post that I was sitting in 'not knowing' and struggling with that big time. Well, I can report that I am still struggling with that and not feeling any closer to knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. I spent the other week in Hawaii on a vacation by myself. It was something I felt compelled to do in order to have a true break (I haven't had more than 4 days in a row off for over 2 years). So I decided to do something I had never done before and went away on my own. I stayed at the Turtle Bay resort on the North Shore of Oahu. The resort was lovely and I did relax and rest and do nothing. But it was emotionally tough. I got lonely and felt lost and was sick of my own thoughts. Perhaps it was a combination of all the uncertainty I have brought into my life right now and the culmination of the past year's events - especially the separation from my husband and everything that comes along with that. I think the full impact of that time alone will continue to reveal itself over time. Right now I feel as though I needed to do it and go through the experiences and feelings I felt while I was there but right now I can't get beyond the uncomfortable sensations and feelings it brought up and part of me doesn't want to believe that that could be what the experience was about.
So now I'm back and my next step will be to find a new job (I finished at lululemon the day before I went on holiday). I think this is the first time I have ever been in a situation where nothing in my life is familiar and where I actually don't even feel it is my life. I fluctuate between knowing I've made the right decision in clearing out everything in my life to make room for new things and ways of being to come in, and having full on panic attacks where I can't believe I've willingly chosen to make myself sit in these feelings and experiences. (Admittedly I spend more time with my thoughts in the latter place). I'm questioning big time that this could actually be a place I am meant to be in and that this often excruciating feeling of uncertainty, loneliness and fear could really be where I am supposed to be and the true path to finding the life I truly want to live. Close friends of mine assure me that it is and that I need to just be aware that those feelings are there and trust that they will shift. I'm trying to have faith but am not too sure about it at all.......
I've been completing Christine Kane's Uplevel your life mastery program and in it she states that we need to 'live for a time empty'. This means we release the things that are no longer in alignment with who we are becoming. The release itself tells us who that is. The emptiness shows us the way. She also says that sometimes re-aligning your dreams and your soul can mean things get a little messy or even look like they are not working. Ummm, yep - I appear to be heavily entrenched in the things are looking like they are not working phase.
All I can do for now is continue to put one foot in front of the other, be kind to myself and keep having faith that I am exactly where I need to be and are supposed to be. I have taken the giant leap, am still in mid air and am trusting that the universe is going to catch me.

1 comment:

  1. ohhh I love Christine Kane. I'm glad you're doing these things for yourself in this time of upheaval. I've had a big year of change and just when I think things are settling, they up and move on me again. Trust me and trust the universe in it's note to you below, it will be ok. You are right where you're meant to be. This is just a doorway to another path and now that you've created space in your life, it's all going to be filled in...

    take care xx