Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Love Letter To Myself.......

It seems really strange to be writing this, as I can tell you that right now, I don't feel deserving of love. In fact, I feel quite the opposite. The thoughts that are going around my head sound something like this: "How did I ever truly believe that there could be something new for me, that there was a greater version of me that could exist, that I could take a leap of faith and that it is possible to live a life that I truly love? How did I ever think that I could choose dreams for myself and that they could possibly come true?". I feel overwhelmingly disappointed in myself. That I put all my faith and trust in myself and I have let me down.

As I write this I am starting to see how absurd this sounds and how hard I have been and am being on myself. In hindsight, I feel as though I have been walking around with all this pressure on myself to prove that this path I have taken in life is the 'right' one. That letting go of certain expectations I had about life and the way I should live it has not been in vain. Today is the first day I have been able to recognise or name these feelings and express what it is that has been tying me up in knots for a while now. For myself and everyone in my life, its time I let it go. I have been fooling myself that I have been being kind to, and supportive of myself. But I haven't been at all. So I want to say the following:

Dear Bel,
You have permission to give yourself a break. To chase your dreams is not easy and self-indulgent. It is actually incredibly hard! The only way to even remotely begin to start chasing your dreams is to love yourself unconditionally and to direct an amazing amount of kindness towards yourself. You think you have been doing this, but you haven't. You have been letting that little voice that judges and criticizes creep in, and that is what has been over-taking your thoughts. You don't have anything to prove to yourself or anyone. Remember, there is no 'right' path - there is just living in the moment, here and now, and wherever that leads you is where you are supposed to be. There is no courage without fear, no clarity without confusion. Its ok to not know, to be frozen, to doubt- and then to keep hoping and moving forward nonetheless. That is life. And you are worthy of this one.

1 comment:

  1. They say that the first step to recovery is admitting that there is a problem. You absolutely deserve a break, and good luck with your journey.