The Black Days....

To be completely honest, I feel as though I have dragged myself through every inch of this weekend. Every ounce of my being seems to be screaming out "I've had enough, this is all too hard and I just can't do it anymore". Everything is a struggle, I feel weighed down and I can't seem to conjure up a feeling of joy in regards to anything. I do ultimately know that this will pass, because it does, but for some split moments this weekend I have really been questioning whether it will.

I didn't decide to write this post to depress myself (or anyone else) even further, but instead I wanted to share a piece of inspiration that just came to me. A tiny sliver, but nonetheless its something - and a sliver is sometimes all you need to get back on track. I was just watching X Factor, which Bailey and I watch every Sunday night. Some of the acts were good but the absolutely outstanding act was the final one. He is a guy who really has, up until now, seemed like the token odd ball of the competition that no-one was really sure of. But last week and this week it has been as if he found himself and his performances have been phenomenal. As I watched him I could feel a smile spread across my face and a lightness fill my heart that has been missing over the past few days. To be transported by someone who has so clearly discovered their gift and who is expressing so brilliantly the thing that appears to complete them is a very special thing to watch. And what it reminded me to do when I am in dark days is to seek out all of these people who exist in the world who inspire me, who live their passion, who love what they do and who have discovered what their gift to the world is - and use their strength and passion as my inspiration to hang in there and keep going, so that I can continue on my path to discovering my gift and get to live those moments where I am being the light and inspiration for someone else.

Old friends in new places....

Today I was working in my store when a strangely familiar face walk towards me. After a split second I realised that it was one of my all time favourite students who I had taught when she was in high school. We haven't seen each other in over 5 years (scary how fast time goes). It turns out she works casually in the same mall as me. What was so great was how easily we reconnected and it reminded me of what I had loved so much about teaching; the connections and relationships I formed with these people who I spent more time with than my own family (and who spent more time with me than their own). This week I have struggled with the lack of familiarity in my life. Everywhere I turn nothing seems familiar and it has left me feeling sad, lonely and lost. But for 10 minutes today I was able to slip back into a time that was so familiar to me and that I will always feel so lucky to have had. The universe must have known that that was exactly what I needed today.....

Even silence has an end.....

I'm currently reading the book "Even Silence Has An End" by Ingrid Betancourt. Ingrid was born in Columbia in 1961, educated in France and England and returned to Colombia in 1989 to become involved in national politics. She formed her own political party, Oxigeno Verde (Green Oxygen), and became a senator in 1998. She was a Colombian Presidential candidate when she was kidnapped by the FARC, who held her captive from 2002 to 2008. This book is is a reflection on Betancourt's time in captivity and on what it means to be human.

As I go through my own personal struggles right now, this book is a great reminder to me of the courage that we have and of just what the mind and heart can conquer and overcome (even when we think we have reached our limit). One particular quote so far has stood out for me. Betancourt says "When you're chained by the neck to a tree and deprived of everything... Well, it took me several years to realise, but you still have the most important freedom of all: that is, the freedom to choose what kind of person you want to be." I've been thinking a lot about this idea of choosing what kind of person you want to be. So many elements of my life are changing right now. Things are overwhelming, scary, sad, difficult and uncertain. I know that this is all part of the process to be gone through and I am trying to accept that I have to just 'be with' it all. I know that trying to fight it will not only drain me of any physical and emotional energy I do have, but will also deprive me of learning what I need to learn the most. Seems really easy to say here but its a daily struggle - every ounce of my being just wants to run and escape it all and get through it as quickly as I can. I do know that this is impossible and not the way it works. So I have to consciously choose each day to keep moving forward and facing whatever comes my way in the best way I can. I have my good and bad days (lately seems like more bad than good), but ultimately I do have faith that I will come out the other side. And no matter how difficult it seems and how hard it is, I know that the only person who can choose who I am going to be each minute, day and hour is me. So even in the face of feeling as though I don't even know who 'me' is, I will continue to make this choice over and over and over again.

Stealing Beauty....

These ads for G star raw have been around for a while but lately I keep seeing them everywhere. Each time I go past one I cannot help but reflect on how beautiful Liv Tyler is.

Falling in love....

Yesterday I spent a wonderful day shopping and hanging out with my sister, Stace. Now that we both have children (and that she recently had her second), the days of hanging out alone are few and far between. So this was a rare treat. Among some of my retail therapy purchases was bath and shower gel from the brand philosophy. The reason why I chose this particular bubble bath was because it is called "falling in love". At first I thought 'Ah, no thanks not exactly in that place right now', but as I looked closer I realised it was exactly what I needed. The quote on the bottle read:

philosophy: falling in love doesn't begin with falling in love with others. it begins with falling in love with ourselves. loving ourselves is healthy and as God intended. learn to deeply and fully cherish your heart, your soul and your body and only then will you understand what it is to truly love another.

I think everyone needs to "falling in love" bubble bath, don't you?

The Hardest Thing You'll Ever Go Through.....

Image by the chesire smile via facebook

Today I went to see a psychologist so that I could talk through how best to support my Little Man in this huge transition. It was really great to talk through what's been going on and to just have someone objective to talk to. My family have been so helpful and supportive where they can be, but everyone has their own lives and issues and, at the end of the day, we are all just trying to figure this out as we go along. I got some great advice regarding Bailey but also a reminder of just how huge a thing this is for me to go through. Back when I went through the postnatal depression, that was obviously the hardest thing I'd ever been through. While I really do believe that event has given me the strength to face this one, I need to acknowledge just how huge what I am going through right now is. I am doing my best to keep it all in perspective but it is certainly overwhelming me at times. So it was refreshing to have a reminder from someone outside my 'everyday realm' remind me of what's important. ie:

• My mental health. Without it, I can't be the best person for my son (or myself). I need to be able to think positively, make rational decisions and stay true to who I am and my values through everything. I must make it a priority to have some time out to devote to self care, to the things I enjoy, to what inspires me and to what brings meaning to my life. and to also just 'be' (I'm a chronic do-er; can't sit still.....).

• My physical health. Exercising, eating well and getting enough sleep. I thought I was doing my best to be on top of these things but in all honesty, they are the first things that slip when I am under the pump and feeling low in time and energy (which then keeps that cycle going). For me a huge part of this is being organised, so its time to start locking all of these into my diary each week. (This also means letting go of guilt in the areas of life that may just need to take a back seat right now. Trying to do it all and stay on top of work, family, friends etc is also sapping my energy).

• Take one day at a time and live in the moment. I am going to state that I have been waaaaaay better at this in the past year or so than I ever was prior to the postnatal depression. Having said that, it is a conscious choice I need to make and re-make each day (and minute really). What matters is what I am doing right now, and I need to keep from allowing my head to get too far ahead of me.

• My Little Man. No, it isn't a mistake that he wasn't the first thing I listed and it doesn't mean he isn't the most important person in my world - because he is. But, if I don't have the things above taken care of, he will suffer. He is dependent upon me for everything and the only way I can support him through this time (and the rest of his life), is to support myself first. If I am anxious, over-whelmed, tired, sick, negative, sad etc etc, he will pick up on that immediately and will be negatively impacted.

So over the next couple of days I will be directing my thoughts to how I can better take care of myself and re-build my strength (I've been flattened by a virus over the past week, which has taken it out of me physically and mentally). Its time to keep it simple and take care of myself so that I can take care of the most precious Little Man in the world.......

Hello Old Friend......

My poor little neglected blog. I think this is the longest time I've gone without updating you. Days turn into weeks in the blink of an eye right now. I'm also at a place in life where a million different things are fighting for my attention and I just can't do all of them. Anyhow, we do what we can when we can..... So to get up to speed with what's been going on for me, I've been in Melbourne a couple of times for work, which has been great. I've been taking on some training and development stuff and it feels so good to get back on my teaching path a little. In the next year or so thats the role I aim to be having at lululemon athletica, although I'm happy managing my store and team for now and soaking up everything I can to be great in that role before I move onto the next one.

I'm faced with challenges every day in regards to my family/personal life but just keep focusing on being the best me and mother I can be for my little man. The guilt of how my decisions could be affecting his life is getting to me a bit lately. I know that deep down I have made the best decision for myself, Lachlan and Bailey but that doesn't stop those 'what if?' thoughts entering your head. Last week was really emotionally draining for me as my little man cried every time I took him to daycare. I also found myself second guessing everything and wondering whether behaviour he was exhibiting was normal 2 year old stuff or whether the separation is affecting him etc. Boy, its tough..... All I can do is keep trying to do my best each day and trust that things will be ok.

On the note of trying my best, thats something thats been a real focus of mine in the past few weeks. I've read two amazing books that have had a huge impact on me. The first being "The Leader Who Had No Title" by Robin Sharma. Such a brilliant book about personal responsibility and being the CEO of your own life and whatever role you have, regardless of your 'title'. Really empowering stuff that makes you think about how you are choosing to live. I've recommended it to so many people and have added it to our library at work. The second book is "Linchpin" by the phenomenal Seth Godin. Its all about your choices, your future and your potential to make a huge difference in whatever field you choose. He discusses that there used to be two teams in every workplace: management and labour. But now there's a third team: the linchpins. These people invent, lead (regardless of title), connect others, make things happen, and create order out of chaos. They love their work and pour their best selves into it . Linchpins are the essential building blocks of great organisations and in today's world they are the people who will get the best jobs and the most freedom. I cannot agree more with Seth's views on society and the workplace and what really excites me is the fact that I work in a company who supports this view and that I recognise myself as a linchpin. As such, the only limits to what I can do in my role and in my life are the ones I put on myself. Anything is possible and I can make a difference in the world - and thats such an amazing way to look at your life and to live each day.