3 Years....

On this night, 3 years ago, I was lying in a hospital bed anxiously awaiting the arrival of my first baby (which would not occur until the next day). It doesn't even seem possible that 3 years could already have passed. Back then you were this little thing that I was pretty much in awe of and I used to wonder what kind of person you would become and hope that I would be able to be a good mother. Whilst the structure of our lives doesn't necessarily look the way I thought that it might have 3 years ago, there are still things I know for sure. That I wanted you more than you will ever know (and still do). I am so blessed to have been entrusted with looking after you. That I will accept you for whoever you are and for whoever you become. That I love you with every piece of my heart and will do everything in my power to make sure you never forget that.

Have a fantastic day tomorrow filled with laughter and fun and surrounded by the people who love you most in this world. Happy Third Birthday my adorable little boy.

Terrible twos.....

Oh my word.... a certain little man has well and truly had me on an emotional roller coaster this week. It has been the week of 'the tantrum' in our house. Tantrums over having a shower (consequently his body has not been near a bar of soap in over 2 days), over not being allowed to empty a box full of rubbish all over the balcony, over having to go to daycare, over waking up in the morning, over everything really. You name it, we've had a tantrum over it. The shower thing killed me. A night or two I could deal with and just blow off but by the 3rd night I was determined to get him in the shower (after all, I'm an adult and he's a kid right?). I could not get his t-shirt off him for the life of me so my next thought was ok, I'll put you under the water with your t-shirt on if that's what I have to do to clean you. But then an image of my little man in a therapists chair saying "all my problems started the night my mother forced me in the shower with my clothes on" stopped me. My pleas of no-one will play with you at daycare if you're dirty went un-noticed (No, i didn't really think I could reason with a 2 year old in this way but once you reach a certain stage you just come out with stuff that you know makes no sense - you just try anything because you don't know what to do).

The pinnacle of frustration came one night where I was lucky enough to experience screaming and yelling accompanied by being told to do one thing and then being screamed at because I did the thing I had been told to do. It sounded something like this: "Go away mummy". I walk away from him. Increased screaming and yelling followed by "No, don't go away!" I walk towards him. "No, Go Away Mummy!!!!! After 30 minutes of this, I didn't know whether I was coming or going and was too scared to even breathe. I kept telling myself its all part of having a child and that its a phase, but that didn't change how emotionally draining it was. Particularly when it happened for a number of nights in a row. And just when I got my head around the fact that I was going to be the worst thing in the world and wouldn't be shown any love, a little red eyed, snotty nosed man said "I'm sorry Mummy" and the roller coaster ride began all over again......

Missing My Little Man....

I dropped my Little Man at daycare this morning and won't see him again until Sunday morning. Some weeks I'm an exhausted Mum who welcomes the little bit of time to myself but this week I miss him to pieces already (Its only been 6 hours). I just want to drive to daycare and pick him up and listen to all the new things he says and laugh at how cute he is and kiss his little cheeks. Oh and that little voice saying "I love you mummy", before he goes to sleep - that is what I miss the most.

The Hardest Thing You'll Ever Go Through.....

Image by the chesire smile via facebook

Today I went to see a psychologist so that I could talk through how best to support my Little Man in this huge transition. It was really great to talk through what's been going on and to just have someone objective to talk to. My family have been so helpful and supportive where they can be, but everyone has their own lives and issues and, at the end of the day, we are all just trying to figure this out as we go along. I got some great advice regarding Bailey but also a reminder of just how huge a thing this is for me to go through. Back when I went through the postnatal depression, that was obviously the hardest thing I'd ever been through. While I really do believe that event has given me the strength to face this one, I need to acknowledge just how huge what I am going through right now is. I am doing my best to keep it all in perspective but it is certainly overwhelming me at times. So it was refreshing to have a reminder from someone outside my 'everyday realm' remind me of what's important. ie:

• My mental health. Without it, I can't be the best person for my son (or myself). I need to be able to think positively, make rational decisions and stay true to who I am and my values through everything. I must make it a priority to have some time out to devote to self care, to the things I enjoy, to what inspires me and to what brings meaning to my life. and to also just 'be' (I'm a chronic do-er; can't sit still.....).

• My physical health. Exercising, eating well and getting enough sleep. I thought I was doing my best to be on top of these things but in all honesty, they are the first things that slip when I am under the pump and feeling low in time and energy (which then keeps that cycle going). For me a huge part of this is being organised, so its time to start locking all of these into my diary each week. (This also means letting go of guilt in the areas of life that may just need to take a back seat right now. Trying to do it all and stay on top of work, family, friends etc is also sapping my energy).

• Take one day at a time and live in the moment. I am going to state that I have been waaaaaay better at this in the past year or so than I ever was prior to the postnatal depression. Having said that, it is a conscious choice I need to make and re-make each day (and minute really). What matters is what I am doing right now, and I need to keep from allowing my head to get too far ahead of me.

• My Little Man. No, it isn't a mistake that he wasn't the first thing I listed and it doesn't mean he isn't the most important person in my world - because he is. But, if I don't have the things above taken care of, he will suffer. He is dependent upon me for everything and the only way I can support him through this time (and the rest of his life), is to support myself first. If I am anxious, over-whelmed, tired, sick, negative, sad etc etc, he will pick up on that immediately and will be negatively impacted.

So over the next couple of days I will be directing my thoughts to how I can better take care of myself and re-build my strength (I've been flattened by a virus over the past week, which has taken it out of me physically and mentally). Its time to keep it simple and take care of myself so that I can take care of the most precious Little Man in the world.......

Hello Old Friend......

My poor little neglected blog. I think this is the longest time I've gone without updating you. Days turn into weeks in the blink of an eye right now. I'm also at a place in life where a million different things are fighting for my attention and I just can't do all of them. Anyhow, we do what we can when we can..... So to get up to speed with what's been going on for me, I've been in Melbourne a couple of times for work, which has been great. I've been taking on some training and development stuff and it feels so good to get back on my teaching path a little. In the next year or so thats the role I aim to be having at lululemon athletica, although I'm happy managing my store and team for now and soaking up everything I can to be great in that role before I move onto the next one.

I'm faced with challenges every day in regards to my family/personal life but just keep focusing on being the best me and mother I can be for my little man. The guilt of how my decisions could be affecting his life is getting to me a bit lately. I know that deep down I have made the best decision for myself, Lachlan and Bailey but that doesn't stop those 'what if?' thoughts entering your head. Last week was really emotionally draining for me as my little man cried every time I took him to daycare. I also found myself second guessing everything and wondering whether behaviour he was exhibiting was normal 2 year old stuff or whether the separation is affecting him etc. Boy, its tough..... All I can do is keep trying to do my best each day and trust that things will be ok.

On the note of trying my best, thats something thats been a real focus of mine in the past few weeks. I've read two amazing books that have had a huge impact on me. The first being "The Leader Who Had No Title" by Robin Sharma. Such a brilliant book about personal responsibility and being the CEO of your own life and whatever role you have, regardless of your 'title'. Really empowering stuff that makes you think about how you are choosing to live. I've recommended it to so many people and have added it to our library at work. The second book is "Linchpin" by the phenomenal Seth Godin. Its all about your choices, your future and your potential to make a huge difference in whatever field you choose. He discusses that there used to be two teams in every workplace: management and labour. But now there's a third team: the linchpins. These people invent, lead (regardless of title), connect others, make things happen, and create order out of chaos. They love their work and pour their best selves into it . Linchpins are the essential building blocks of great organisations and in today's world they are the people who will get the best jobs and the most freedom. I cannot agree more with Seth's views on society and the workplace and what really excites me is the fact that I work in a company who supports this view and that I recognise myself as a linchpin. As such, the only limits to what I can do in my role and in my life are the ones I put on myself. Anything is possible and I can make a difference in the world - and thats such an amazing way to look at your life and to live each day.

In the midst of sadness comes joy......

Its a sad night in this household tonight. Why you ask? Because its the last night of Dancing With The Stars. I know some of you may have just done a double take or be thinking "What?". I've never really been an avid watcher of the show but somehow I got hooked on this series. In particular, I got hooked on watching Tamara Jaber. No doubt I really connected with the fact that she has been going through a separation from her husband at the same time as me (albeit a much more public one than mine). No matter what has been going on in her private life each week she has retained her dignity and still remained committed to a competition that would be daunting even if everything else in your life was going smoothly. To go through what is probably one of the hardest things you can go through and experiencing all the emotions that go along with that and still being amazing each week shows such a strength of character. In addition to that strength, what she has shown is that it is possible to find joy even in your darkest days (which is a lesson I have learnt before). The joy that she has been able to find in dancing is so obvious and I love being able to watch people doing something that they are passionate about and that they enjoy so much.

Which leads me to the thing or should I say person, who has brought me so much joy in my life no matter what else is happening. And that person is my little man, Bailey (or should I say my blonde haired, blue eyed Rastafarian!). No matter what else is going on for me when I think of him or see a photo of him or see his gorgeous little face, a feeling of joy spreads through me. If I'm having a tough day I think of him and all I care about in the world is being able to go home to him and hit a ball around and watch our shows and have him fall asleep with his little arms around my neck. No matter how low or sad I have felt over the past few months, I am constantly reminded of how extraordinarily lucky I am to have been blessed with this amazing little man to take care of. At times, it really hits me that I don't get to have my little boy living with me every day and I miss him like crazy. But when this happens I try to focus on making every minute I have with him count and I never take any of them for granted. I love him with all my heart and my greatest wish in the world is that I can be everything he deserves and more.

Feeling good....

The past couple of days have been great for me. The weather here in Sydney town has been AMAZING. Today my Little Man and I went for a long walk then met my family for lunch to celebrate my Mum's birthday. We then hung out with my family (and got to see my new baby niece, Camille). I know there is still alot of hard work and ups and downs coming my way amid this separation from my husband, but I've finally found a little space to breathe and enjoy the simple things in life again. I have to say I'm so grateful for my family and the support they have all given me, as well as my lululemon family - I would never have been able to get through all of this without them. I'm very, very lucky.......

Birthday Party Fun!

A Little Man and His Fairy Bread

Me with the light of my life

My niece - watch out for her, NIDA is calling!

Images courtesy of my cousin Emma, who, as usual, saved the day with her photography skills. x

How much do I love you? Let me count the ways....

To My Dearest Little Man,

On the eve of your second "Happy Birthday" (as you call it) I wanted to record all your amazingness and convey just how much you fill my heart with joy. Even though your independence is challenging your mummy alot lately (trying to get you to understand that you do not require a hair straightener at this stage of your life is a daily battle), I love that you have a fiery spirit and a will to learn and do things for yourself (those Leo characteristics really are shining through right now!). When you wrap your little arms around my neck to huggle me as you go to sleep, my heart bursts. When you sneak into my bedroom and climb up onto my desk to get chocolate, I laugh at how sneaky you are. When you make me do duets with you singing the theme song to Two and a Half Men, I can sing a rainbow, and Baa Baa Haveeanywool (your pronunciation, not mine) into our makeshift microphone, I want the moment to last forever (even though there are only so many times a person can sing Men men men men manly men men men over and over again without going insane). You are really coordinated at hitting and throwing, although our apartment and furniture are bearing the brunt of your need to throw everything, regardless of whether it should be thrown (ie throwing the tv control at the tv is never going to end well). You love horses, particularly saying "Horse Poo" (I blame your father). My favourite time of the day is when I come to daycare to pick you up and you see me and proclaim "My Mummy!" and run to me - breaks my heart every time.

There are so many other wonderful and funny things I could tell you about yourself here, but I would be here all day. So I will finish up by saying you are the most magical person who ever came into my life and I am so privileged that you chose me to be your mummy. I will always be here to love you and support you and that will never ever change. I can't wait to have an amazing Happy Birthday Party with you tomorrow. x your mummy

My Little Man is Back....

My Little Man is back home with me and I couldn't be happier. He has been on holidays for the past 8 days with his Dad and it has been the longest 8 days of my life. When I saw him this afternoon I could have kissed him to death. Everything felt right with the world again as we sat on the couch tonight, under his blankie, watching Two and a Half Men together. Who would have thought that would be a two year olds favourite show- but it is. I love you Little Man......

Happy Mothers Day....

Image by Anne Makaske via flickr

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mum's out there! Despite the fact that mine was spent at work, I had a fantastic day. The team I worked with today were so much fun and just made me want to smile every time I looked at them. I really am very lucky to work with such great people.

My little man must have known it was a special day as he actually stayed asleep until 6:20am (yes people, this is a sleep in in my world!). We then lay in bed together for 40 mins talking and saying "Happy Mothers Day" 20 times over. I had a really, really low day yesterday and I want to acknowledge how much my little man saved my life. He is the most precious, precious thing in my life and I just adore him.

My Little Man Saved Me Today....

I'm feeling a little down today - coming to the realisation that certain things in my life are not as I thought they were. Am trying to process this in a way that helps me move forward and I do believe I will, just not right this minute. In the meantime my head is going to feel a little cloudy, which is always weird. But today my Little Man saved me. How can you not feel better spending the day with someone whose idea of fun is flushing the toilet a gazillion times, or running around in circles laughing crazily or throwing everything down the back of the lounge chair? I am so blessed to have you around little boo boo.....

Yin Yoga with A Beer Chaser....

So I did my favourite Yin yoga class again this Friday night, followed by a girls night out. Sounds a bit weird, I know, but it was great. I'm flying solo for most of this weekend (husband is doing a 6 hour adventure race tomorrow and the Little Man is with other family members), which is a rare luxury. So I'm making the most of it by doing things I don't always get to do, such as drinks with some of my lulu girls. Having said that, I do have a pang of sadness in my heart that I won't be the one that is there for my Little Man when he wakes up and won't get one of his kisses first thing in the morning. But I do know that these times alone are so valuable in order to recharge and keep being the best mum I can be. So here's to a weekend of me.....

Thanks to the universe....

I'm sending my thanks out to the universe tonight because its the most peaceful night I've had with my little man in over a week. There were no tantrums, just lots of grape eating and tv watching with his mama. Just what I needed.......

"If you're not ready to have your heart broken, you're not ready to be a parent".......

I was watching an episode of Brothers and Sisters this morning and this was a line from Rob Lowe's character that really rang true for me. This week has been one in which I have been dealing with an intensity of different emotions that comes with being a parent. For some reason, there seems to have been a shift with my Little Boo Boo and it feels like he aged a year over night. This may have something to do with the fact that my husband got Boo Boo's hair cut (no more long, little baby hair), so now my Boo Boo looks like a real little boy. Along with the loss of hair appears to have come some new phrases and attitudes that I can't say I want to stick around very long. If I never hear the words "Stop", "No" and "Don't want" ever again, it will be too soon. They are often accompanied by a tantrum that comes out of nowhere and lasts for anywhere up to 30 minutes - while I go through a mixture of emotions including heartbreak over the fact that he is so upset and I have no idea why, frustration that I can't seem to do anything about it, exhaustion from the mental strain of going through this every evening this week, and desperation at the thought that this is what my life will look like from now on (I know that this phase, like all others will pass, but when you are in it with no sign of it letting up, fear does start to creep in....!). On the flip side is the feeling of utter love that comes when his little head rests on my shoulder and he clings to me like a koala, or he pouts his little lips to give me a kiss. Talk about intense roller coaster ride! I totally get that this is what parenting is, but hopefully next week can be a little less intense so that Mummy can catch her breath and regain her sanity!

My Valentines.....

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I want to say to my two very special Valentine's that I love you both very much and am soooo lucky to have you in my life. X

Today....

Cheeky smiles from my little man.

Great experiences with guests at the store.

Meaningful chats with lulu friends.

Life changing (in a good way!) news from another friend.

Burgers and beers with an amazing lulu friend for dinner.

Making a difference.

What more could a girl ask for?

Awesome Day....

What an awesome day. It started with a coffee and a walk in Centennial Park with a friend and our little ones. Then I walked to work and did some admin stuff at the store. At midday two of my lulu peeps and I hit V Club for a Zumba class (we did our first one of these last week and are hooked!). We then had lunch and did more work in my favourite book store, followed by a Hatha Yoga class with one of our lululemon ambassadors, Kelli Prieur. Kelli's class was challenging but fun (the headstands and handstands were cool). She also really brought my focus back to what is important when she discussed gratitude at the end of the class. I definitely need more gratitude in my life right now. Time to crack open that gratitude journal again I think.....

P.S Isn't my Boo Boo sooooo cute. I just had to show these photos off!

Boo Boo is back!

My Little Man came home today. I feel like I haven't seen him or my husband for weeks! This afternoon was my first ever Christmas Concert as a parent (wow, I can't believe it!). The Little Man was having some attachment issues and spent half the time in the audience instead of in the performance space, god love him. When he was out the front though, he was soooo cute. He was waving to everyone and singing the songs and generally being gorgeous. The really fun part was trying to stop him from stuffing his face with all the party food that was put out afterwards!

This was my morning....

My Little Man, Bondi Beach, Turkish toast with Vegemite, a skim latte and a run. What more could a gal ask for?