Dear Little Man....

Last night you decided that you weren't having a bar of sleeping in your own bed and I got you as my bed buddy for the night (how can such a little person take up so much room in a king size bed?). I was having a hard time getting to sleep so I just kept watching you and thinking back to the day you were born. In many ways I think my mind blocked a lot of that out, without me realising. You had quite a bit of trouble making your way into the world, so I didn't even get to hold you or really see you at all when you were first born. Initially I thought that hadn't affected me at all, but in hindsight I think it did. I had waited so long to finally see you and meet you and then it all happened in a chaotic, somewhat stressful rush and the moment was gone. I'm sorry I didn't get to give you a big cuddle and welcome you into the world. I'm sorry that none of the first few months of your life went as I had hoped. (I know I learnt so much through everything and am a stronger and hopefully wiser person now because of it, but I wish that hadn't come at the expense of those first few months of your life).

So last night really felt like a do-over for me. It was just like that first night in the hospital, where it was just you and I together (although I have to admit it was less stressful this time around without you gagging and choking every 10 minutes and me having to tip you upside down!). I got to stare at you and take you all in and listen to all your little noises that I have come to know and love. As weird as this is going to sound (and please don't think this gives you permission to do it regularly), thank you for insisting on sharing my bed with me last night and giving me that chance again. Being your Mummy is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love you with all my heart. xxxxxx